I am lost.

The person i trusted most in my life, the person who i let know every secret, intimate detail about me, the person i gave my heart and soul to and thought was my closest friend, has hurt me, stabbed me in the back, betrayed my trust and lied. How do you move on from that? I've had soooo much shit in my life, and the one person i truly trusted with every fiber of me not to hurt me, has, with no care at all to how i would feel about the situation, no respect to talk to me first and work something out, no appreciation for anything i've done for them ever. How does someone do that to someone else. They know my feelings, they know everything about me, how can someone do something so wrong to someone else? I don't know how to deal with these things anymore.... I don't understand how someone could do this? I don't understand how in their mind, this is ok? Why couldn't they talk to me first? This is why I let so few people close to me. Because eventually you get stabbed in the back. Eventually, they use the information they gave you against you to hurt you in the worst possible way. This is what i get for trusting someone who told me they would never hurt me. I actually believe him. Im truly the fool now. And here i am posting my feeling and personal shit on facebook, because i don't know what else to do, I don't where to turn. All I know is I can't deal with bullshit like this anymore. I can't do it. There has been to much pain in my life. I know I created alot of it. But this situation wasn't me. And here it is. and i need to get out of it. I didn't deserve this. Nobody deserves to be treated like this. I'm lost now. and i've never felt so betrayed and alone. How on earth could i ever trust someone again? How? I don't know how to handle this, I don't know how to get through this.

And how can a person justify threatening me every single argument? Threatening me with my greatest fear. A fear I shared because i trusted him. A fear he said was no reason to be afraid. This is my life. I'm truly alone now. I'm truly in the back in hell, i thought i had left that behind.

I was supposed to be safe here. This was supposed to be a safe place for me. For once in the hellish last few years i felt like i was home. and now thats gone. Now i have nothing.
If it wasn't for my daughter i would leave this life. I would be gone. She is saving my life. But why? What is there to look forward too? More betrayal? More pain? How can i keep trusting people and have this happening.
I mean really the one person I never thought would do this to me ever, is the one person is is using everything against me. Everything. Even besides the stupid situation they've involved me in now,
Every argument, every time he gets upset with me for whatever, i'm threatened by my greatest fear. homelessness. There now everyone knows. That is my greatest fear. or was, I guess now it's my second greatest, because now my greatest is something happens to my daughter.
But he still uses that.
Tells me i need to move out. Every. Single. Argument. Because he knows how much it hurts me.
That and my mental past. I have a history of severe mental depression. I'm told every time we fight that i'm crazy, that i'm insane, that i should be on medication, that i have the severe manic depression.
I don't think i deserve any of this?? Maybe i'm wrong.
Lets see....
He thinks because he allows me to live here he can treat me however he wants.
He thinks because he allows me to live here he can do whatever he wants but i have to everything he wants too.
1. I pay rent to live here
2. I cook for him everyday, breakfast and dinner and lunch when he's off
3. I clean, dishes, floor, kitchen, bathroom toilet, everything. he doesn't, though he does do his laundry.
So, how is this not my home too?
How is this that i don't get a say in anything and am expected to just sit back and take it?
How is any of this ok?
Why am i always made out to be the asshole?
I really don't understand how this isn't seen as abusive at least a little by him?
Besides the fact that there were roaches and mice crawling all over this filthy place when i moved in and i cleaned it up and made it a home and i get shit on over and over.
This insident is the icing on the cake.
He knows i've been in love with him for a long long time.
And yes, he's told me over and over it's not going to happen.
But also told me he would never hurt me.
And now i'm sitting here listening to them fuck and thats ok?
How much more cruel could someone be?
I trusted him.
Now i don't trust anyone.
Everyone in my life has betrayed me at least once. Everyone.
I thought he would be different.
I was wrong.
I am the fool.
Truly an idiot.
My life at this moment is 100% worthless.
How could anyone do this to another person. How can anyone be so cruel

The dreaded weightloss journey.

Ah, the dreaded weight loss journey

We meet again. For the 8,473,890,259,425,042,542,534 time. How are you? Are you ready this time?!? I have had my taste of significant weight loss and I liked it! SO be ready! Those 15 pounds I put on since living with Mr. Aragon, will be gone, and much much more will also disappear!! You just wait and see. I know how to work you now. I have the motivation, I have the know how,
I have the the the whatever it is that makes you want to do stuff that’s really hard, but you actually do it, stick with it and don’t give up this time stuff.
I’ve already lost a few pounds. HAHA!! Yes, that’s right, I started just this week and I’ve already lost!!
For those reading, at this point, I am not going to tell you how much I weigh right now, but I will tell you how much I lose and frequently!! Yes, frequently.

I started doing a workout with my old friend, Leslie Sansone, who has some great workout dvd’s www.lesliesansone.com is the website, if anyone is interested. She has a one mile workout posted on the site, for free that is great! I suggest anyone to try it out. Not hard at all, but I certainly felt it!! Only 15mins long too.
But as for her dvd’s, they are kinda pricey on her site, however I found the one I’m using now, one of her current ones on Amazon.com for $6.00. LOL!! I was so happy! It’s her 5-Mile walk. I LOVE IT. I’ve been doing it everyday. But it can be kinda intense, especially since I haven’t worked out for awhile. I haven’t made it to the 5th mile yet, but I’m not worried, I’m sure I’ll make it there. The great thing about the workout is, if you can only do one, two, three, four miles, that’s ok, and then I can just skip to the cool down.
Anywho, I’m proud of myself. I don’t feel like I’m pressuring myself. So, I guess the thing is to see if I stick with it. And I will stick with it,
I like how I feel right now. I like how I feel after I work out. I feel strong and good that I did it. I like how I feel after I eat and know I didn’t eat a bunch of crap today. So, feel free to read my journal, at some point I’ll reveal the starting weight. Some point.
But for now, if you would like to join me in this weight loss thing, please feel free, perhaps we can be buddies in telling each other I weights at the end of the week. All I’s know’s is’s I’s feels goods.

The joys of female things

UGH! Why!!?? Why us?? Why females? What do men get? Why can’t they have some weird, reoccurring and most the times painful thing they have to go through every month?

I hate it! At least right at this moment. Yes, I realize hate is a strong word, but when you don’t sleep because of the pain, I’ll use the word hate.
Yes I took painkillers. Strong painkiller. It made me tired. The pain continues.
It’s funny, I was on one of my favorite websites, www.paperbackswap.com and there is a thread on there about female things. I know I could just say menstruation but female things is more fun and sounds nicer. Anyway, the thread got me thinking and which leads to this blog but I didn’t start typing anything because I’m lazy and I wasn’t feeling good. Little did I know I wasn’t feeling good because I was about to start my female thing, which I am currently experiencing at this particular moment, which I thought anyone reading this really really wanted to know that.
However I did realize a few days ago that I was pissing everyone off and I must be close to my period because I tend to piss everyone off around the same time each month.
Anyway……….
Where was I? Oh, PBS, right. For some reason I find it fascinating to read about how other women handle their female things and the products they use, leading me to consider investing in a Diva Cup. No more purchasing of female things every month would make me incredibly happy and plus for environmental reasons, comfort and so on and so forth.
So I think I will be making that purchase this week in order to be prepared for the future of female things.
I considered using the cloths you can buy instead of pad, but then I also considered the extremely grumpy person I live with and the possibilities of conversation that would be had should he see them after they’ve been used a few times…. ( staining and such).
Anyway, on a random note, I enjoy blogging about things even if I don’t think people would enjoy/ be slightly grossed out by topic, because these are the things I think about.
One more thing. On the thread at PBS, people were talking about husbands and people being embarrassed to buy female things and condoms. Why? Every female has female things, why on earth should it embarrass anyone?? Why should buying condoms be embarrassing? I’ve never been embarrassed… not that I can remember anyway…. Especially the condoms… your getting laid, that should be a good thing…. ( this is coming from a single woman remember).
Though as much as I don’t like that a man would be embarrassed to buy female things for his female. I don’t believe my VERY macho roommate would ever buy be such female things. Though I can’t say for sure. But I’m basing that off the fact that it is very difficult to even get this person to get me chocolate or ice cream ( not a special trip, just while he’s out), because it doesn’t fit in to his world.
That being said, He did buy my ice cream last night after I talked him into it. And I was determined, because when a female is having her female thing, there is only one other thing needed besides female products and that is, ice cream. Or chocolate. Ok two things. Maybe three or four or five more. Or more than that. I’m sure I could make a list.

Bizarre Life

What is normal? I don’t like to think there is a set standard definition for “normal”. What’s normal to me might not be normal to anyone else.
I was just thinking how bizarre my life seems to be compared to a normal life.
Normal being, people have “careers” not just jobs, or a job in their “ career field”, they have real relationships where your with some one for longer than a month or two and pretty soon moving in together, marriage, family, pets. Generally happy.
Why is that so hard for me. Is it because I don’t believe in normal? Am I normal and that description is really the bizarre? Is it because I have an idea of what normal is, yet I don’t think normal should be anything, so really I don’t I’m not sure what I think of normal?
Maybe I’m still just trying to figure out where I fit in when I should realize that I do fit in and I’m being who I am, and I’m right where I belong. Ah ha!
Is it that easy? Maybe. I guess I feel like I’m 30years old I should have some clue.
I like my job. I love where I’m living currently. I’m content where I am at in my life at this moment. So why am I thinking about normal and bizarreness? What does it matter if I’m happy?
I guess I’m just realizing that what I feel is a pretty bizarre life is actually pretty normal. Whatever that means.

The death of a cockroach

I was going to write about a cockroach I found today. Isn’t that gross who’d want to write about that? But I was thinking about it which gave me the thought to start the whole blogging thing.
I went to the store today and when I came back I came upon a very large cockroach laying on the kitchen floor.
I know at the time I came upon him he must have just realized that he had made the tragic mistake of entering the kitchen of cockroach death. He was laying on his back ( I realize that it could be she, but come on, it’s a roach) twitching his legs, moving his head back and forth ( that was gross) and I imagine attempting to take his last breathes.
I screamed in horror when I noticed him, not realizing at first that he was in the throws of death. ( throws of death, is that right? It's probably spelled differently) I ran and grabbed my spray Clorox bleach and spritzed him a couple times to make sure he wasn’t getting up again.
Then I very nervously used a whole bunch of paper towels to pick him up, ( You have to use a bunch so you don’t feel them inside) and flushed him down the toilet.

Which started me thinking. Why don’t cockroaches have friends and family to help them? Why didn’t one of his friends say, “Hey! Don’t go in there! She has stuff that’ll kill ya!” There are so many of them you’d think they would help each other out. Maybe they do in some ways that I don’t know and don’t want to know. But I just find it sad that no one warned him. Of course, maybe they did. Maybe his mom told him not to come here and he thought he was being all cool and independent and grown up, and then he ended up dead.

Blogging

Why do we blog? Why do we feel the need to share all our pointless insane thoughts to everyone. Yes, I’m talking about me too. Insane, indeed. Well, insane thoughts. Well, pointless thoughts. Hehe. Blogging has become such a HUGE deal. It’s just funny that we used to use our diaries and keep our thoughts in that little book. Mine had a lock on it. Now we don’t write in diaries, We post it online for everyone to read. Is that healthy. Yeah, it probably is. It’s good to get it out of your system and even more freeing to know that people who you may not know are reading it. I feel more free already. I’m not even going to spell check. Well, maybe a little.

As for me, I’ve always liked to write. I used to write short stories. Funny and scary ones. I tried writing dramas or suspense but they always turned into comedies. I think this is a good way to get me back into writing more. I always have so many completely random and interesting dialogues going on in my head that I should get it out and let people read the mind that is lisa.

But how often will I post. Maybe this is it. Maybe there will be no more. Maybe I’ll write more next year. I’m going to try to post often, To get those creative juices flowin. But I guess I’ll just post when I post. When those random thoughts occur and I’m here with the computer. Better to get it out
Than to lose myself in my head and accidently start talking to myself out loud while I’m walking down the street and people give me funny looks. Have I done that? Yes. Did I really just admit that?